I just looked at a calendar and today is the one year anniversary of my first day at CrossFit…and wow do I hate it as much as the day I started. I hate running, I hate losing my breath, I hate lifting things, I hate jump roping, I hate pull-ups, I hate rowing, I hate workout gloves, I hate squats, I hate wall balls, I hate that I know what WOD means, likewise, I hate that I know what AMRAP, EMOM, and SDLHP means. Tabata sucks, cash-ins are the worst, cash-outs are just torture, and as far as I am concerned humans aren’t meant to do push-ups.
Twelve months after I started I will not be posting a motivational video or pictures about my slamming body and stellar results. I still cannot do anything that is RX, in fact in one year I have only “RX’d” one WOD. When the clock counts down from 10 to 1 and the buzzer sounds, I can only hang with the rest of the class for about 20 seconds. After that I am behind them, and I almost always one of the last to finish, with the lightest weight.
Somehow, somewhere along the way I convince myself that working out would be like the workout montages you see in movies. The heroine sucks at first and then she keeps working and rocks it at the end…nope, I am still a tragedy at most things CrossFit. As a matter of fact if I had to pick a workout montage from a movie to depict my workout life it would be Bridget Jones’, most specifically the moment when she falls down after getting off the stationary bike.
But the fact is that unlike everything else I have tried over the in the past, I have consistently gone to CrossFit for one year. One whole year. So as much as I hate them I will quote a “fitspiration” message I saw online:
DEAD LAST FINISH IS GREATER THAN DID NOT FINISH, WHICH TRUMPS DID NOT START.
1. Product: Laura Mercier Velour Puff
Why it’s amazing: MACHINE washable Puff! Just throw this puff in the washer with your laundry and it comes out just like new! Plus, if you use the rolling technique Laura Mercier sales people tell you about, your makeup does look great all day! Another great aspect of this puff is that it is big enough to powder larger portions of the face at one time
Downside: Too big to fit into a regular size compact, so its strength is it’s weakness (I am making it sound like a superhero or something).
Cost: $12 (sephora.com or Nordstrom.com)
2. Product: Naked 2 Palette
Why it’s amazing: 12 neutral eye shadows that are highly pigmented for $50. That works out to just a little bit more than $4/color. That’s a great value! I was totally a skeptic when I bought the first Naked palette for a wedding I was in last year, but the versatility of the colors won me over! The neutrals are not boring like I first thought they would be, and they are flattering…even on darker skin!
Downside: Not a lot of mattes.
Cost: $50 (sephora.com)
3. Product: Beauty Blender Sponge
Why it’s amazing: It is billed as a sponge that will help your foundation/concealer go on seamlessly…and it totally does that! I got one of the lower priced dupes, and I hated it! The Beauty Blender is squishier, larger, and the egg-shape is better than the others, which have a more of an hourglass with a pointy top shape.
Downside: COST!!! This “sponge” costs $19.99/each. I bought the 2-pack which was $24.99, somehow spending $5 more, but have reducing the cost per Beauty Blender to $12.50 each made it easier for me to deal with!!!
Cost: $19.99/each or $24.99/2-pack (sephora.com)
4. Product: Lash Stash
Why it’s amazing: There are 10 mascaras, 8 minis and 2 full sized mascaras. The brushes on all the minis are the same size as the brushes on their regular sized counterparts, so you get to try out a bunch of different mascaras to find a new favorite or just keep it interesting! Plus every year Sephora comes out with a new Last Stash. So if you missed 2011’s…it will be back!
Downside: Only available during the holidays/until Sephora sells out of their stock. Keep checking the Sephora website if you can’t find it, sometimes they pull the Lash Stash from the website and then put it back up after a couple of days.
Cost: $49.99 full price (before Christmas) or $32.00 after Christmas. (sephora.com)
5. Product: Seche Vite
Why it’s amazing: Super fast drying, super shiny nail polish topcoat. I picked this up from my local Sally’s Beauty Supply, thinking I was crazy for plopping down $7.99 for a topcoat, but it was totally worth it. I haven’t once had the problem of falling asleep after doing my nails, thinking they were perfectly dry only to find sheet prints in my nail varnish when I woke up.
Downside: Spendier than I would like, however Sally’s Beauty Supply often has promotions with this product so you get a free base coat or free color polish with purchase.
Cost: $7.99 (sallybeauty.com)
If Santa Claus was real the reports would read: Santa Claus, controversial businessman/resident of the North Pole promises free gifts to US children. In other news, North Pole, Inc. is reporting record losses due to lack of consumer confidence and tightening of the credit markets. In still other news Sen. 6-Term whose controversial re-election bid, supported by Claus/Pole SuperPAC, seeks emergency federal funds to protect North Pole, Inc. labs from terror attacks and form exploratory committee for oil drilling in the arctic.
Whenever I read something online or in print and there are semicolons all over the piece I think, “no fair, they know how to use semicolons…or do they?!” Is this writer like me, who after years and years of using Word, and it’s constant “semicolon suggestions” they are not even sure they really know how to use them anymore!?! I think years from now people will look back at the writings we have left behind and wonder why we had a semicolon fetish. I swear I feel like such a pretender every time I put one into my document at Word’s suggestion, just to make the squiggly green line go away. It’s the Word Document’s version of “JUST MAKE THE VOICES STOP…JUST MAKE THE SQUIGGLY LINE GO AWAY!”
I am a sucker for a deal, and these Grove Square Hot Chocolate K-Cups were for sale, so I bought a pack of two. Today, I popped one K-Cup into the Keurig brewer, a few seconds later I had my hot chocolate all ready to go. To make it extra delicious I added some milk. Hot chocolate…cold weather…match made in heaven! One sip later and what I tasted seemed like a match made in a chemistry lab!
These Grove Square K-Cups are NASTY! The pure yuckyness of them cannot be fully captured in this blog. The most horrifying part was that overall they have pretty decent Amazon.com reviews! There was this overpowering sweet taste which I think was from the sucralose used in the K-Cups. They were just mind blowingly bad. Never one to quit before something becomes a more expensive bigger mess I added more milk in a vain hope that would fix something. WRONG. Then I threw a good beverage after a bad one, I mixed in some French Vanilla brewed coffee, hoping this would help the situation, it did not! The coffee was now tainted by the oversweet chocolate grossness in my cup. Now there was more than twice the original amount of the stuff in my cup, and it was still way too sweet.
At this point I have French vanilla coffee, Grove Square Hot Chocolate (the offender), and milk in my cup. Obviously ice was the next additive, five cubes of ice that quickly melted were stirred in. It was like wine tasting, sip, SPIT!!! SPIT. There really was no fixing that stuff and to make matters worse I was worried it was so evil it would take on a life of its own and start multiplying by itself!
Now, almost 8 hours after I first tasted the Little K-Cup of Horrors, I have had dinner, a snack, multiple cups of water, I have brushed my teeth and still feel like the taste is in my mouth! Is that normal?! I feel like my taste buds have been tainted! Keurig, stop licensing out your K-Cup name willy nilly, these people need to have their hot chocolates pass taste tests! Down with K-Cup hot chocolates that spit on the good name of hot liquid chocolate!
The Holidays are almost upon us, or if you are a retailer, the Holidays, that special time of the year that makes or breaks you financially is half over. Either way we are about to get hit with a barrage of sentimentality driven marketing in order to get us to part with holiday dollars, and also prepare yourself to spend 20 minutes at checkout in Target because some needs a price check. I love the Holidays, I really do. I just wish that the creep of the Holidays into my birthday celebrations at the beginning of November would stop. I think half of what makes the Holidays special is the fact that they aren’t here for so long. The other half of what makes the Holidays special is the pretending.
During the Holidays we seem more okay with the effort involved in pretending. We don’t mind pretending we are okay with the tacky decorations our neighbor put up, we are okay with pretending we are more patient with the overworked cashier at the store than we really are, or that we are okay with the traffic jam caused because the mall exit is so flooded the cars the entire slow lane is blocked for 1 mile. The pretending is part of the specialness of the Holidays, so what I hate, what I really FUCKING hate is when I end up stuck at these big friends and extended family gatherings where you have to answer the infernal question of “What are you thankful for this year?!” Can’t we just pretend we are all thankful for something?!
OMG. I know it makes me seem like a bitch, that I don’t like that question, but I HATE IT. It is an intrusive question! Not that I am not thankful for things, I am thankful for a lot of things. I really just don’t like sharing my thoughts on stuff that is personal to me. If I wanted to over share my feelings and emotions, and yes, I consider that over sharing, I would post it on Facebook like most over sharers do. My “what I am so thankful for” would be sitting there right in between someone’s overly detailed update of how the are progressing through labor/delivery and another’s Technicolor description of how drunk they were and what the evidence of the drunkenness looked like. When asked that question while sitting around a table there is this feeling of my throat closing, and then panic sets in, and finally random trivia squeezes out every coherent thought in my head. Worst of the worst is no matter how much you have rehearsed your answer there is inevitably someone in the group that spent their vacation time feeding kids in an orphanage in a developing nation. I don’t have anything to say that is even close to that. Somehow the non-personal answer of “I am really glad Nordy’s had those boots in my size for 50% off” would just make people stare at me longer with a look of “no really, what are you really thankful for?” So sometimes, I just end up lying. Yeah I said it, I LIE during the “what are you thankful for” portion of the Holiday activities!
As I was pre-planning my answer to that question last week, I came up with my dream answer, now if only I could man up and say it, I would be golden! My answer combines my love of quoting TV/movies with my love of randomness. When asked “…and what are you thankful for this year?” I will yell, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!” before storming off.
Question answered, problem solved!