The Famewhore Next Door

I really don’t know what the technical definition of a famewhore is. I could point out Hollywood examples of famewhores, i.e. Heidi and Spencer who I never saw on The Hills, because the only good show to actually air on MTV since the 90’s is the spray tan, juicehead, sorrow of the Italian pride movement known as The Jersey Shore (GTL, BABY!!! GTL!!!). But this lack of knowledge of the show didn’t actually prevent me from knowing who these two halfwits were. They famewhored themselves from The Hills, to tabloid darlings, to people who actually made a living off of, well, nothing; if you thought hard work, talent, and perseverance were the American Dream you were wrong. They were selling us the reality show “New” American Dream in which you can have little or no skill, be known for nothing and be famous for doing…something. In the far off world of Hollywood people like this are totally fun, the only real problem with famewhoring comes when it moves from realms of Hollywood to real life.

Right now I am at that age in life when no one I know is where he or she wants to be. Some of my friends are still in school finishing up those expensive degrees that will allow them to put a very long string of letters before or after their name. Others are still paddling around in the kiddie pool of the job world just waiting for their chance to careen into the adult pool with the Olympic height diving platforms when the lifeguard isn’t looking. Mostly we are trying to keep our heads above water while competing with the person in the office next door while maintaining some level of respect. After all we have been taught since birth that talent + hard work = results/reward, and that equation is true, until a famewhore comes along and poops all over it. They violate the laws of the equation. They are the person that does a canon ball into the pool but never yells “CANON BALL”!

These famewhore canon ballers are especially prevalent in the world where I work, the marketing world. Everyone is after the next best idea. There is a constant pressure to come up with new ideas, a better way to phrase something, a great idea for a product that will just blow the other people out of the water. The system works well pretty naturally, everyone is trying to naturally one up the other person, at least it works wells until you have someone prance onto the seen with 5 minutes of experience steal/usurp a bunch of ideas and wrap them up and present them as their own idea. WTF is this?! It is one of the most awful feelings ever, I mean I am not the freaking US Patent office! You can’t up and “patent” my idea by changing the color of the font or something equally insignificant to the idea as a whole! For these famewhores the equation for results doesn’t look like this:

talent + hard work = results

No, instead for them the equation is:
stealing + wrongfully crediting thoughts to themselves = results

Where I work these famewhores are likely to be very talented people, but more than talented at what they do they are AMAZING self-promoters. They are this blur of Zoomed to death white teeth and fake butt out hugs. The real life famewhores such as these people turn into those politicians and CEOs you seen cornered like rats in interviews answering questions in ways that really make no sense whatsoever. All common logic and the entire viewing audience is screaming at the TV “JUST SAY “I AM SORRY” or “I MESSED UP” OR “I WAS WRONG”” yet they still keep blathering on digging their graves even faster, these are fine examples of famewhores. These are the people that I compete with.

Competing with a famewhore is like fighting off Jaws, Jaws from the first movie, not the Jaws in any of the sequels and especially not the Jaws from Jaws 3-D. You are competing with a scary monster. They steal credit, slyly tell you, oh you can just send me your ideas I’ll add mine, and then send them onto so and so, or call you to chat bring up topic glean your thoughts and formalize them in an e-mail to everyone. Famewhores are great when you have spectacularly bad ideas, because they will end up taking the idea and the blame. But for those moments when there are flashes of brilliance, you, I, want to hoard them, not to spread the credit around to a famewhore’s brain that did no work. So basically I am done with this crap. From here on out, I am going to be the self-aggrandizing famewhore in the next office. If keeping up with the Jones…or the famewhores…whichever the case may be, means shamelessly promoting my agenda, and myself, well then I am on it. I don’t know exactly how I am going to accomplish this, but I am going to find a way. If only because I will no longer have to silently plot when I see my ideas with someone else’s name under them or hear my thoughts coming out of someone else’s mouth.

I am assuming first I need to figure out how to steal the famewhore’s illusion of competence. I will do this by writing snarky, yet helpful sounding e-mails like, “Forgive my colleague, they forgot we have a spell check button”. Or saying during phone conferences, “Actually, Attorney, that happened in 2007, I don’t think Colleague has had time to read the documents that were messengered to them 4 months ago.” Or simply saying, “no don’t worry about it, I will send over the information myself, don’t worry about it, just go ahead and send your ideas in whenever you have them ready, thanks for the help though, Chica!”. Which if I were to translate into what I really want to say would read something like “I know you want to copy and paste my thoughts into an e-mail with your name on it, Bitch, but it isn’t going to happen this time!” Some way, I don’t know how, I am going to get the credit I deserve for actually being more than a person who just takes up an office. I will not let the famewhore next door get the better of me. I will not be the John McCain to the famewhore’s Sarah Palin. For once I want my name on top of the ticket!

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