Archive for October, 2010

The One About Ross’s Monkey

Remember Marcel?  You know the crazy little “In the Jungle” listening, leg humping monkey that Ross Gellar adopted on Friends.  Marcel is a Capuchin monkey, and according to ABC Primetime there are a lot of little Marcel wannabes in homes across America.  Personally, I have no great affection for monkeys, I don’t think there are especially interesting to observe and they certainly don’t look like fun pets, and let’s be real I watched Outbreak in the 90’s I don’t want to get some strange disease that is the 21st century equivalent of the bubonic plague!  Leave me with a good ole floppy earned dog any day of the week, but this is the one all about monkeys!

First, the people that adopt monkeys are running out and spending $6,000 – $9,000 dollars on these exotic pets.  But the term “pet” isn’t even correct.  They aren’t looking for a pet, they are looking for a child (on a side note, I hear you can get a child from certain countries for cheaper than that, that is if you are bargain shopping for kids, maybe this is something best purchased at retail.).  But I digress…back to the monkeys, these wild creatures are purchased and treated like children, and in the case of the Capuchin, have a life span of around 44 years in captivity!  That is one long living pet-child.  But the sheer lunacy just escalates from here.

What their human parents are doing for these pet-children can’t even be classified as “raising” the monkey, because that would imply that the pet-child/monkey is going to grow up and eventually be independent.  All these people are doing is caring for a perpetual child that unlike a real child will never leave them and have lives of their own.  Caring for their pet-child to the tune of $6,000/year, I didn’t know whether to pity them or run for the butterfly net!  What’s worse that means that these nut jobs have committed to changing the diaper of a flipping monkey for 44 years.  That is a lot of shit filled diapers, friends.

Beside the diaper nastiness, it gets better still, monkeys are given their own rooms, cute little outfits, and seats at the dinner table.  Like any child the monkey needs to be fed (McDonalds in one case), taken to the park (Except the monkey tries to bite and hit when touched by children. I hope they have “ALL MONKEY’S MUST BE ON LEASHES” signs at that park!), and bathed (in the kitchen sink, eeewwww).  One owner unequivocally stated that he does not like it when people say, “oh look at the monkey” because “that’s his daughter”.  Well buddy I have news for you, your daughter is a monkey, and if you are entitled to call a flipping monkey your child I am entitled to say you have an ugly ass kid!  These people have completely lost grip on reality!

If we let these people live with their delusion, that these monkeys are their children, would we be doing them a disservice, or just providing ourselves with some much needed amusement?!  After all we could say, “dude was your monkey bad?!  You need to spank the monkey if it misbehaves!!!!!” as we quietly snicker to ourselves.  Or we could call the Department of Children and Families for shits and giggles and make anonymous reports of parental abuse because some parents we know are pulling out all their child’s teeth, like in the case of one lady on ABC who had all the teeth of her Capuchin pulled because it would bite her!  Seriously, think about it, the entertainment could be endless.  Maybe we could take it so far as telling the parents they should campaign for their pet-children to be covered by their healthcare provider so they don’t have to pay for vet visits out of pocket, well maybe a small co-pay and definitely no coverage for prescription meds!  HA HA HA!!!

At their heart, these animals are wild, they haven’t been domesticated, they have been trapped in houses, hopped up on McDonalds, and are expected to act like children.   Of course it’s a recipe for disaster.  There was a particular story they tried to make heart wrenching about some poor drag bike-racing chick that adopted a monkey to fill her need for a child.  “Andy” the pet-child was treated like a spoiled child and one day turned on his owner and bit her repeatedly in a vicious attack because he thought she was trying to steal his nuts…LOL!  After sending Andy to a monkey sanctuary a.k.a. monkey juvenile hall, the owner and her mom came to visit Andy to make sure he was acclimating well to life in “the wild” with other monkeys.  Tears pouring down her face the owner’s mother said “that’s like my grandbaby”; I hope someone told her that her grandbaby was monkey faced…!!

I sat their in disbelief that these people after years of owning their monkeys didn’t come to the same conclusion as Ross did in The One With Unagi “Remember when I had a monkey…What was I thinking?”





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Coming to America & The Argument For Funding Education

Another oldie…cause I am clearing out my Myspace blogs…LOL! 🙂

One of my favorite lines in one of my favorite movies, The American President, reads as follows:

“Sydney, everybody cares about the environment during a phone survey. On election day, nobody gives a damn.”

The same is true about education. Everyone cares about education in theory…but when it comes down to Election Day, we treat it like the environment, something we want to ignore until SPF 200 becomes something you just don’t leave home without!

Well, today was SPF 200 day for me. As I hung around a customer service desk at Macy’s while an associate tried to figure out how to dial, yes, you read right, tried to FIGURE OUT HOW TO DIAL A NUMBER WHEN THERE WERE INSTRUCTIONS NEXT TO THE PHONE SAYING “DIAL THIS NUMBER TO CALL A DIFFERENT STORE”…I decided to pay my bill with the other lollygagging sales associate. After prying Freddie, my sales associate, away from re-hanging clothing and asking him if he could help me out, we got started on the bill pay process in the women’s section, in Macy’s, in San Bernardino, CA.

After keying in his associate ID, we were set, and Freddie needed my ID, I pulled out my Oregon ID and handed it to him, picking up my battered ID with a curious look his first question “so your first name is Bird?” Strangely, I have been asked this question many times, it’s common for people to believe with COMPLETE certainty that my name is: Bird, K. I am Indian, of the asian variety, not native american…and my parents aren’t hippies so I was not named Bird my name is in fact K Bird, not Bird K, the sales associate’s second guess.

Keeping up some polite chitchat about the crazy holiday rush, sales, and the crazy weather we glided through the last couple steps of getting my bill paid. Handing over my money the sales associate sorted the bills into the right slots in the register, and handed over my dime in change and Oregon ID when he gave me one of the weirdest warmest welcomes I had ever received. In all sincerity Freddie, my friendly Macy’s sales associate, looked at me and said “Well, WELCOME TO AMERICA!!”

I suppose the ensuing confusion was apparent on my face, I started to laugh, this funny half WHAT THE FU(*%, half did I hear you correctly, sorta laugh. I was so amused, so horrified, so dumbfounded that I was being welcomed to America from OREGON…by a Californian. I mean if NOTHING, NOTHING shouldn’t you know the States that surround California if you live in California?! HMMM?! I don’t know if it was the look of utter shock or the stupid laugh I couldn’t contain that keyed him in to the fact that something had gone horribly awry with his welcome. In confusion Freddie looked at me and said, “Where exactly is Oregon?” After a quick explanation Freddie smiled bashfully and said, “yeah I was never any good at SPELLING”. Another weird laugh from me and, Freddie corrected himself with a, “oh yeah I meant I am not good at HISTORY”. History?! Really?! History?! Should I correct him, should I say “Dude!!! The word you are looking for is Geography”? Would it really make any difference at this point?! For once in my life I shut my big mouth up, I smiled and mumbled, in between painful attempts to swallow my laughter, “yeah we all have problems with that one!”

The first sales associate that was trying to help me was still trying to figure out how to make an international call to Tigard, Oregon from San Bernardino, California to locate my jacket and I found myself pondering whether or not we spend enough on education? Did this 20+ year old Californian who thought Oregon was a different country break through my cynicism over funding education even when I know vast portions of the money allocated to schools ends up being wasted and mismanaged?! Nope! I am still as cynical as ever…after all in four years this guy could be the next Republican VP candidate…and we can’t let him go on the record as saying “when Oregonians invade US airspace it’s California they end up in.”

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Returning a Chalupa in 3 Easy Steps

An Old Blog…but one that I love…:)

Nothing freaks me out more than assembling furniture from IKEA. Why?! Forget that you are putting together your dining table, step stool, or bookcase with the tool equivalent of toothpick, but once you assemble furniture from IKEA you’re stuck with it…no take backs! There is an art to shopping, and an art to returning. Shopping without the ability to return is just against God and nature as far as I am concerned. Shopping without returning is the bastard child resulting from the unholy union of cheap ass retailers and crappy manufacturers. These horrible money mongers gather together to figure out how they can foist substandard products onto unsuspecting consumers by manufacturing crappy goods and selling it to us with no return policy.

Everything should come with a return policy. Committing to anything without the ability to return is just nothing something I can get behind. Maybe I have commitment issues, but I just cannot bring myself to buy something without being able to take it back and say, with pride, “I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT EVERYTHING”! As far as I am concerned you should be able to return houses within 30 days of purchase if you have your original sales receipt.

Unfortunately, the ability to return and exercising that freedom are completely independent of each other. There is just something uncomfortable about returning things. One misplaced receipt or one return policy misinterpreted and you have a debacle on your hands. Well today I took it to another level. I returned a Chalupa.

The Chalupa in question was from a KFC/Taco Bell; I trusted a place where they sell everything from burritos to greasy fried chicken to smoothies out of a drive-thru window to get my weird order correct. It was a disaster waiting to happen. After ordering my Chalupa supreme substituting the meat with beans and no tomatoes, no not because of some misguided attempt to make my Chalupa even more unhealthy than it already was, but because haven’t you noticed the tomatoes at Taco Bell are really weird, I like to think of them as “faux tomatoes”. I was off to work Chalupa in bag preparing to eat my lunch while enjoying the great outdoors as soon through a windown while enjoying the air conditioning offered by the great indoors.

Grabbing some water, spreading out my lunch and preparing to chow down I peeled open the cheapie paper protecting my lovely little Chalupa when I was greeted with what strangely looked like meat…not beans. I was livid. Here I was with my lunch and the knotheads had given me a beef Chalupa. I was tired of being screwed by the drive-thru powers that be, that damn Chalupa was going back! I was returning a $1.59 Chalupa to a fast food restaurant, and yes I SAVED THE F%)(*ING receipt.

Rewrapping the offending concoction of beef, lettuce, and some sort of shell in the cheapie paper I threw it back in the bag where it would stay until 5:45 when the Chalupa was making a return trip to KFC/Taco Bell.

Between 12:30 and 5:30, I kept thinking about my wrecked lunch. This stupid $1.59 Chalupa was going to cost me $4.00 in gas, but it was the principle. I wanted what I ordered even if I was going to get it 5 hours later and when I really had no desire for it, I was getting the Chalupa with beans instead of meat and no tomatoes…I was not being snookered! I thought about how ludicrous this was going to be while I shuffled through papers and distractedly responded to e-mails. What was I going to say to high school students working part time for spending money when I took back a 5 hour old Chalupa?! They were going to look at me like I was crazy, they were going to talk about me after I left, I was going to be known as the crazy Chalupa returning lady…then the doubts started plaguing me, they were really busy, should I return a Chalupa?! I mean I really didn’t even want a replacement Chalupa at this point, I was Chalupa’d out! I had spent hours already fuming about this Chalupa mishap and now I had to carve time out before I headed to the quiet ridiculous heat of my apartment to return a Chalupa.

As 5:30 rolled around I had it all planned out, I hopped into my car, drove to the KFC/Taco Bell that was like a ghost town before the dinner rush, and got into the short drive-thru line. Instead of trying to explain my dilemma through the drive thru window I simply ordered a new Chalupa substitute the meat with beans and no tomatoes. At the second drive-thru window when asked for the money I handed over my receipt for the old Chalupa and the bag with the old Chalupa and explained the problem. My every concern was fulfilled they looked at me like I was nuts in the head. I had come back with a faulty Chalupa. Calling over the shift manager, aka a high school junior, the cashier explained the problem, I now had a second person looking at me like I was nuts in the head for returning a Chalupa. After carefully explaining to me that Chalupas did come with meat and I asked for a special order the manager paused for my reaction. The Chalupa return was getting complicated.

Ten minutes later I drove off with a fresh Chalupa, 5 hours later I threw out the Chalupa. Today will go down in the annals of my mind as the day I wasted 1 gallon of gas that cost $4.39 to return a $1.59 Chalupa. Way to keep my eye on the big picture. No one ever said there wasn’t a cost to returning something.

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Abnormally Stupid Activity in Paranormal Activity

I finally did it!  I finally saw Paranormal Activity in its entirety!  Now, comes my thoughts, years too late, and as Paranormal Activity 2 is getting released…WHAT A STUPID MOVIE!!!!  AHHHH!!!  I mean it seemed stupid from the scenes I had caught here and there at friend’s houses but, having sat down and watched the entire movie…WTF?!  That movie makes it up there with The Happening, I just want to write to the director and ask for an hour and a half of my life back!  Okay, so the movie was definitely suspenseful, but the lack of logic used by Katie and Micah makes me very unsympathetic when it comes to their ultimate fate.

I am not obsessed with thinking about God and religion, although my previous posts might lead one to think I am, but I am really not, that being said here goes another “God reference”…WHY IN HELL DID NO ONE CALL SOME SORT OF PRIEST?!!!  If I was being followed by what I thought was an evil spirit not for days, weeks, months, or even years, but DECADES, I would have either taken up a full time residence in a church or married a religious leader of some sort.  Shoot, I don’t even care if it is one of those people that founded their religion on the internet for tax purposes, he’d be my man!  What I unequivocally WOULD NOT DO would be to let my douchebag of a boyfriend say “I am going to handle this” while creeped out things keep happening to me!  I am sorry, maybe this makes me an emasculating bitch, but oh well, if this keeps me away from being stalked by a demon, I am calling the damn priest, imam, rabbi, reverend, monk, sister, rector, vicar, holy person, basically anyone that has spent some time studying about these things, and would feel an obligation to help me, well I am calling them.  Oh yeah, an I am pretty sure not every religious leader in the greater San Diego metropolitan area went out of town, so at least there would have been one on hand to help immediately as opposed to waiting for the stupid “demonologist” to come back to town and ride in on a white horse.

Why in the world would you call a psychic or whoever that guy was, listen to him say “there is something evil here, and this thing is out for you” and then let your boyfriend the “day trader” that never seemed to be “day trading” try to “handle” it with a video camera, baby powder, and taunts?!  It’s like Katie never saw ANY horror movie ever made, and certainly not Exorcist!  What in the world?!  You know all those ‘help with your relationship articles and books out there’ they need to have their advice footnoted with the footnote reading:

“If you are being possessed, hunted, haunted, stalked, earmarked, etc. by what you feel is a demon, evil spirit, bad energy, etc. it is not only permissible, but completely and totally okay for you not to listen to bad advice from your boyfriend, fiancé, husband, life partner when he says he can handle it if he has no experience “handling” evil entities.  To rely on his skills at that point would be the height of stupidity.”

Another problem is why didn’t stupid Katie have any “real” friends.  I mean I have people in my life, we all do, that don’t really speak their mind, but if I had a friend who wasn’t immediately trying to drag my ass to a church/synagogue/temple etc. when I mentioned I was being stalked by a demon, I would really have to re-examine our friendship.  I mean really Katie didn’t have one friend over the course of her entire life that heard this demon following her story who spoke up?!  Katie didn’t have one friend who was willing to channel her inner Whoopi Goldberg as Oda Mae Brown in Ghost and say “KATIE, YOU IN DANGER GIRL!”  Really not one friend?!

Next, logically if you believe in demons, which obviously at least Katie did, wouldn’t the next logical step be to believe in God.  I mean you don’t even have to believe in God, if that isn’t your cup of tea, the universe is all about balance, and so if you believe in one thing, the dark side of things, then LOGICALLY there should be a light side of things, a yin to the yang so to speak.  So Katie, dodo head that she was, believed she was being haunted and followed around for DECADES, yes DECADES and still did not get in touch with her religious side, what a crock of shit.

All this being said, Katie and Micah’s stupidity aside, how in the world was Katie in a relationship with a man whose name she did not know how to pronounce?!  I have never heard the name Micah pronounced “Meeka”, I thought he had some sort of really cool new agey sort of name until I looked up the movie details online and realized his name was MICAH.  Is pronouncing Micah as Meeka a San Diego thing?!

So, all said and done, Paranormal Activity, for its lack of logic, common sense, and wanton misuse of the name Micah, is one of the stupidest movies I have ever seen, HANDS DOWN…!

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The Facebook Fan Pages For The Rest Of Us

That’s it!  I am starting a fan page, or fan pages on Facebook…yup…they are going to center around the following topics.  Please note, these are all topics that I personally feel need to be addressed on Facebook:

Facebook Fan Page #1: “STOP ASKING ME TO FAN PAGES THAT STATE… “IF YOU LOVE JESUS DO XYZ” – This is the Facebook version of, of the e-mail version, of the snail mail version of the chain letter that said send this to 20 friends or something calamitous will happen to you on Tuesday.  On a side note, the more you ask if I loved Jesus, the more I want to say “NO”!  And, well, life just isn’t certain enough for me to make pronouncements like that, so stop asking!!!!

Facebook Fan Page #2:  “PHOTOGRAPHY REQUIRES SKILL NOT ONLY A DIGITAL CAMERA” – why, oh why is there a sudden profusion of wannabe Photographers on everyone’s Facebook page?!  I saw some pictures taken by a “Facebook Photographer” whose “thing” it was to cut off all or part of the person’s head in a photograph.  Thankfully she was only a guest at the wedding I saw her photos from, can you imagine how pissed you would be if you got your wedding photos back and you and your spouse looked like some sort of weird misguided Tim Burton-esque attempt at wedding photography?!  Digital filters and 8GB memory card do not make a photographer!

Facebook Fan Page #3: “NOT EVERYONE GETS TO GROW UP TO BE A MODEL” – this is the photography problem all over again…the proliferation of would-be models due to Facebook is out of hand!

Facebook Fan Page #4: “I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND, STOP ASKING” – This inability to understand that we are not friends is the very reason I dislike you.

Facebook Fan Page #5: “DON’T BE SLOW” – If you go back and forth with a guy/gal/whatever your preference is with 30+ comments a day and post pictures with them, and then post places you went to eat on Facebook via Yelp…people are going to think there is something going on.  Please don’t act like this belief is totally crazy, people are invading your privacy, or you don’t even know why people would even think such a foolish thing.  It’s just annoying.

Okay….mini-rant over…it just needs to be said.  Of course, to create these pages I am going to have to ask one of those annoying “if you love Jesus – photographer – model – non-friend – slow on the uptake” people to help me, what a Catch 22!

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