The One About Ross’s Monkey

Remember Marcel?  You know the crazy little “In the Jungle” listening, leg humping monkey that Ross Gellar adopted on Friends.  Marcel is a Capuchin monkey, and according to ABC Primetime there are a lot of little Marcel wannabes in homes across America.  Personally, I have no great affection for monkeys, I don’t think there are especially interesting to observe and they certainly don’t look like fun pets, and let’s be real I watched Outbreak in the 90’s I don’t want to get some strange disease that is the 21st century equivalent of the bubonic plague!  Leave me with a good ole floppy earned dog any day of the week, but this is the one all about monkeys!

First, the people that adopt monkeys are running out and spending $6,000 – $9,000 dollars on these exotic pets.  But the term “pet” isn’t even correct.  They aren’t looking for a pet, they are looking for a child (on a side note, I hear you can get a child from certain countries for cheaper than that, that is if you are bargain shopping for kids, maybe this is something best purchased at retail.).  But I digress…back to the monkeys, these wild creatures are purchased and treated like children, and in the case of the Capuchin, have a life span of around 44 years in captivity!  That is one long living pet-child.  But the sheer lunacy just escalates from here.

What their human parents are doing for these pet-children can’t even be classified as “raising” the monkey, because that would imply that the pet-child/monkey is going to grow up and eventually be independent.  All these people are doing is caring for a perpetual child that unlike a real child will never leave them and have lives of their own.  Caring for their pet-child to the tune of $6,000/year, I didn’t know whether to pity them or run for the butterfly net!  What’s worse that means that these nut jobs have committed to changing the diaper of a flipping monkey for 44 years.  That is a lot of shit filled diapers, friends.

Beside the diaper nastiness, it gets better still, monkeys are given their own rooms, cute little outfits, and seats at the dinner table.  Like any child the monkey needs to be fed (McDonalds in one case), taken to the park (Except the monkey tries to bite and hit when touched by children. I hope they have “ALL MONKEY’S MUST BE ON LEASHES” signs at that park!), and bathed (in the kitchen sink, eeewwww).  One owner unequivocally stated that he does not like it when people say, “oh look at the monkey” because “that’s his daughter”.  Well buddy I have news for you, your daughter is a monkey, and if you are entitled to call a flipping monkey your child I am entitled to say you have an ugly ass kid!  These people have completely lost grip on reality!

If we let these people live with their delusion, that these monkeys are their children, would we be doing them a disservice, or just providing ourselves with some much needed amusement?!  After all we could say, “dude was your monkey bad?!  You need to spank the monkey if it misbehaves!!!!!” as we quietly snicker to ourselves.  Or we could call the Department of Children and Families for shits and giggles and make anonymous reports of parental abuse because some parents we know are pulling out all their child’s teeth, like in the case of one lady on ABC who had all the teeth of her Capuchin pulled because it would bite her!  Seriously, think about it, the entertainment could be endless.  Maybe we could take it so far as telling the parents they should campaign for their pet-children to be covered by their healthcare provider so they don’t have to pay for vet visits out of pocket, well maybe a small co-pay and definitely no coverage for prescription meds!  HA HA HA!!!

At their heart, these animals are wild, they haven’t been domesticated, they have been trapped in houses, hopped up on McDonalds, and are expected to act like children.   Of course it’s a recipe for disaster.  There was a particular story they tried to make heart wrenching about some poor drag bike-racing chick that adopted a monkey to fill her need for a child.  “Andy” the pet-child was treated like a spoiled child and one day turned on his owner and bit her repeatedly in a vicious attack because he thought she was trying to steal his nuts…LOL!  After sending Andy to a monkey sanctuary a.k.a. monkey juvenile hall, the owner and her mom came to visit Andy to make sure he was acclimating well to life in “the wild” with other monkeys.  Tears pouring down her face the owner’s mother said “that’s like my grandbaby”; I hope someone told her that her grandbaby was monkey faced…!!

I sat their in disbelief that these people after years of owning their monkeys didn’t come to the same conclusion as Ross did in The One With Unagi “Remember when I had a monkey…What was I thinking?”




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