‘Tis the Season for Bad Movies and Unexpected Lessons

…So in case you missed it…it’s the Holiday Season! Yay, fanfare, fanfare…okay, yeah I am really not that excited about it. I am, at least in my mind, a professional shopper. So this means that I don’t look at the long lines, overcrowded stores, and picked over shelves and think “wow, this vibrant commerce is merry and fun to be a part of!” Instead, I groan at the thought of having to park the length of three football fields away from the mall entrance, only to have to walk the length of three more football fields just to get to the store I am trying to shop at. Of course in my race to make it in and out of the overcrowded stores and malls as fast as possible I inevitably get stuck behind some chick tarted up like they are going to the club teetering around on 4.5 inch heels in a mall the size of LAX blocking people trying to get by as she perilously sways from one unbalanced heel to the next. This is my holiday experience. Ooh, and of course I forgot to mention the ESL (English as a Second Language) shopper that OF COURSE decides to sign up for a store credit card for that extra 10% off who needs to call their friend, who is of course in the fitting room, up to the register to translate the credit application questions while a queue of line dwellers gets frustrated behind them.

In an attempt to escape the crowds I have turned to movies and Netflix. I recently saw the Tourist…and hello Golden Globe nominating people…the fact that you actually nominated that movie for anything proves to me that you are totally full of the stuff Baby Jesus left in his dirty diapers. I saw that mess this weekend and it was really a suspenseful movie for me…I KEPT WAITING FOR SOMETHING…ANYTHING…to happen. Then the movie was over and nothing had happened. It was amazing it was a whole movie of Angelina Jolie swanning around looking like she was sucking on a lemon, weirdness. This latest movie picking fiasco lead me to review my movie watching choices for the year, and I have to say it’s been a year of stinkers, but nothing so far, even The Tourist, sucked quite as much as Legion.

Aside from being craptacular Legion and The Tourist shared another bond, they both had Paul Bettany in them, but that has nothing to do with anything so let’s move along. The whole story of Legion (spoiler alert) is that God has lost faith in humanity and charges his Angels’ Gabriel and Michael to go out on this cleansing of the earth that made Noah’s flood look like whiny people crying over a large puddle. I mean it was just craziness, humans turning into zombies at God and Gabriel’s direction killing people and most importantly trying to kill an unborn baby carried by a smoking unwed mother who waits tables up in the high desert. Apparently the baby she carried would help save humanity so the Hounds of Heaven (not Hell) were unleashed to kill the baby. All of those Surgeon General and rabies warnings aside, please note the lynchpin of this plot, God lost faith in humanity thus bringing about some sort of apocalypse…he was just going to end humanity.

So let’s back up here for a moment. The movie never said anything about Jesus not being born, so I have to assume that humanity has been celebrating Christmas like usual. Which makes this movie even more ludicrous. I mean the craziness of the movie plot and the rationality I looked at it with just made the “horror” of it all even more horrible. It was a stupid movie! There was no “what if that actually happened” or “that could happen” etc, and once you take away the fear out of a horror you just have nonsense, and really I have shopping to thank for debunking this stupid horror movie. Yes, that’s right…I said SHOPPING.

When I go shopping, there is nothing more secure than a liberal return policy. I have said it before and I will say it again, shopping at stores without a return policy is ludicrous! This being the case when I shop at a store where I am stuck with crappy merchandise credit if I return something or once I hand over the money for the item it’s mine until death or donation to Goodwill parts us…I am pretty darn sure about that item. I mean come on; there is no return policy! There are no take backs! I paid the money, swiped the card, it’s a done deal! So if I am this crazy about a $12.99 shirt from Forever 21, would God really go all “GOD BC (Before Christ)” on humanity and just wipeout humanity?! No way! Not if he is rational about killing billions of people like I am about shopping at store with bad return policies.

God has one kiddo, just one, and he let that kid DIE in order to save humanity, this being the case…I don’t think there is much that humanity could do that would piss God off enough to wipe us out. It just doesn’t make sense. If you have one kid and you let your kid go off and be killed for something, you have pretty much made your choice about the whole deal. You are staying the preset course no matter how tempting mass annihilation is. There are no returns and or “I changed my mind, I am switching horses mid-river” excuses once you allow your kid to be killed for something, there is no way you, if you were God, would wipe out all the good your kid did by dying because you were tired of humanity’s crap. God had to be pretty sure about humanity before he “purchased” it without much in the way of a receipt or a return policy! I took one hour to decide if I wanted to commit to a Coach handbag with a small stain that made it unreturnable…how much more sure would God have had to be about humanity?! I mean the whole Jesus being born/crucifixion story isn’t exactly the stuff romantic comedies are made of!

So there are the lessons to be learned here. One, I should stick to the malls, I have to think less when I am there than when I watch movies with weird Legion like plots, two shopping teaches life lessons, and three never, ever pick another movie with less than a two star rating!


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