Coach, eBay, & The Listing I’ll Post One Fine Day

You know how some people have cleaning projects, or hobby projects, home improvement projects; well in that same way I have shopping projects. On my list of shopping projects is to find a particularly delightful Coach purse that was sold in 2006. It is a beautiful white leather tote with a red suede poppy flower stitched on it. I was obsessed with that purse when it first came out, and I still obsessed with it 5 years later. Unfortunately Coach is not Hermes, other than some moldy oldies, they don’t have the same venerable collection of bags year after year. Instead I am left to scrounge through eBay in the hopes that I will find the purse in brand new condition at a price I am willing to pay. So far, the pickings have been slim to say the least! But, I have learned a lot about the world of eBay and that weird subculture of Coach on eBay. If I were to write an eBay listing for a Coach item and I didn’t care about the outcome of the auction, my listing would go something like the translation portions below:

Beautiful Rare 100% Authentic COACH Legacy Gigi 11131 Whiskey EUC
(Translation: I hope I have used enough eye-catching adjectives and eBay Coach lingo to catch your attention. This purse is as rare as a mass produced purse made in China could be!)

You are bidding on a beautiful Coach Gigi handbag from the Coach Legacy Collection!
(Translation: I hope the ! induces you to bid.)

I fell in love with this purse when I first saw it as part of Coach’s 65th Anniversary, and I had to have it, but soon realized it was a bit too big for me! I only used the purse four or five times, so it is in EXCELLENT condition with no signs of wear to the leather or lining.
(Translation: I got really great use out of this bag, and I am one of those people who doesn’t set their purse down on the floors of gross public washrooms and stuff like that, and I am really persnickety about how my stuff is kept, so I can get away with saying it was used for less than one week! Also “excellent” is subjective, excellent to me for a 5 year old bag may not sync with your idea of “excellent” but that is the beauty of subjectivity.)

This purse was not a style that was made for the factory store; it was sold at the Coach retail store and cost well over $500+ tax. The purse has been stored in a dust bag in a temperature-controlled closet.
(Translation: I might very well have purchased this bag from the Coach Factory Store, but it was not made for the Coach Factory store, do you see the difference? Also, if I had bought it at the Coach retail store when it was full price, I would have easily paid over $500, but in reality I didn’t spend nearly that much money on the purse.
This purse was stored in my closet, in my house. I have air conditioning and heat in my house, and my closet is in my house, so it logically follows that this purse, which was stored in a dust bag in my closet, which is in a temperature controlled house, was stored in “temperature controlled closet”.)

This is the same purse that was carried by Anne Hathaway in the movie Bride Wars!
(Translation: I hope you somehow think you will look like Anne Hathaway if you buy and carry this purse!)

The lining of the purse is the beautiful Coach Stripe, with one zippered pocket and two multifunction open pockets, a d-ring for keys, with dog leash closure.
(Translation: The purse is lined, yay, whoopee, great, who cares. There are three pockets and one d-ring in the purse to help you organize your stuff, chances are you will never use any of these “helpful” pockets, and you will still spend 5 minutes searching for keys and a cell phone that you can hear, but you can’t see under the detritus of old receipts half-empty packs of chewing gum, a wallet the size of a mini-pig, and twelve different shades of lip gloss.)

The dimensions of the purse are approximately 16” x 14” x 3.5”. Please see the pictures below, there are no signs of wear on the purse and the COACH hangtags and pendant are attached.
(Translation: I have included more than 10 pictures of one purse, because I know that someone is going to ask me for a picture of the purse on a pumpkin or something equally weird, so I am doing my best to nip that one in the bud.)

The purse comes from a smoke free, pet free, clean home.
(Translation: I am not stupid enough to post a picture of the purse with my hideous cat like other people do, and I would never admit my house wasn’t clean)

This purse is used; if you are looking for a purse in new condition please do not bid.
(Translation: FYI, EUC stands for excellent used condition. Also in case you missed it the other three times it was mentioned, this purse is not in new condition it has been used, please don’t send me a question asking “is this purse new” or be surprised if you win the auction and a used purse shows up on your doorstep.)

I do not represent Coach in anyway.
(Translation: I think you are an idiot if you believe that I work for Coach or that I am their representative on eBay. I sincerely hope that a multinational company like Coach has a better business plan than eBay auctions for getting rid of stuff that has been sitting around in their closets. Anyway, I don’t really know why this disclaimer is necessary but I have seen other people use it in their listings, so I thought I would add it to mine as well.)

Paypal only, payment is expected within 24 hours of the end of the auction, shipping within the U.S. is $15.95 I only ship USPS Priority Mail, and I will not ship internationally.
(Translation: Seriously, I am not willing to got to the Post Office and wait in line at the post office, and I have a large flat rate Priority Mail shipping box sitting here at home and free carrier pick-up, so you only get one shipping choice, take it or leave it.)

So, there it is…my fantasy eBay listing. If any of you see a listing on eBay that is totally sarcastic, it’s mine…BID…BID!!!!


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