Does This T-Shirt Make Me Look Hippy?!

So it’s that special time of year, that time when the sun coming out actually indicates warm weather, and not just those teasingly warm winter days that Southern California is known for which are often followed by a 50 degree weather that feels as brutal after the balmy weather of the day before. As great as this change in weather is, it also means a change in wardrobe, which is welcome in the shoe department, and not so welcome in the shirt department.

I am generally a person that avoids t-shirts. I don’t know when exactly this t-shirt avoidance policy started, I just know that when I look through my summer clothes, there aren’t too many t-shirts amongst them. My “wardrobe” if one can call my collection of clothes that look suspiciously like the sales racks of seasons past of Banana Republic and GAP is full of other fun summer tops, but definitely not full of t-shirts. But recently I have ventured away from the no t-shirt rule. Why?! I was seduced by the low prices and fancy designs of two t-shirts I saw on sale. As a result, $11 dollars and the expiration of two return policies later, I was the proud owner of two new t-shirts. Okay, so I am talking like I am a person that doesn’t have or has never really worn a t-shirt before, totally not the case…I have, I just realized somewhere along the way, maybe t-shirts should be on my “What Not To Wear List”.

So this morning, fresh out of bed, and realizing that the it felt like it was going to be a warm day, I decided…this is going to be new t-shirt day! I was brimming with optimism, after all I have been all healthy lately, working out, eating smart, etc. so I don’t look like a moo-moo at my cousin’s upcoming wedding, so I decided to put on one of the new t-shirts. The shirt I chose was a rather blah blue, but the drab blue looks spectacular with a bright orange design silk screened over one half of the t-shirt. Throwing on my clothes I made my way out of the house for the day, confident that I was looking cute in my t-shirt!

First, living in the Inland Empire region of Southern California is not at all like living in funky trendy LA or spendy OC. No, the Inland Empire, The IE, is different…to put it kindly. Lifted trucks, tattoos as far as the eye didn’t want to see, and makeup that makes my club makeup look tame abounds here. I am not saying that I have any particular “style” of note, but at least I can put on makeup and tell the difference between everyday makeup and looking like a MAC counter threw up on me. But you know what, not today, today I was all IE baby.

Thinking I looked rather cute in my t-shirt I walked into my casual workplace and was doing my usual work routine. Wandering around getting a beverage, doing some work, running around with papers…and unconsciously constantly pulling my t-shirt down. I didn’t realize it as of yet, but it was a case of me against the t-shirt!   Stupid me didn’t realize how horrific the situation was until I headed out to the store and then to lunch.

Hopping into my car and racing to the store I quickly ran in to pick up a couple of items, and the whole time I was in a tug of war with my stupid t-shirt. The t-shirt wasn’t oversize, but it was in no way tight, and still the stupid thing kept riding up my hips before ending its hasty retreat from the waistband of my jeans once it reached my natural waist. This was a disaster! Here I am trying to walk around the store, quickly, and I am simultaneously trying to hold onto items in my hands, keep my shirt down so I don’t flash anyone with untoned hips, and try to keep my pants from sagging (I forgot my stupid belt). Five minutes of fast walking and items/pants/t-shirt juggling later, I knew I couldn’t make it to the next store without somehow fixing this situation.

Making a pit stop at my car in between stores I pulled out the only jacket I had, a thick winter weather hoody with a fur lined hood. Looking at it with irritation, I slipped my arms into the sun-warmed cotton and started cursing myself for this t-shirt choice. I don’t care what the temperature really was it felt like 95 and here I was wandering around in a fur lined hoodie while other people where in shorts and tank tops. Sweating like a little piglet, holding up my pants to avoid any unsightly pant sagging, the only good thing was this whole situation made me get in and out of that store like The Flash!

Let me tell you nothing makes you work up a sweat like having to get in and out of a car on a warm day wearing a thick, heavy hoodie. Cursing my choice of ordering lunch from a place that didn’t have a drive-thru window I parked and ran into the restaurant. A nice guy behind me called, “let me get the door for you!” How sweet of him I thought, while he was following up the door opening with a questioning look at my attire and a “wow, aren’t you hot in that jacket?!” My inner child that was dying of heat exhaustion and was screaming out to this stranger for help “YES…YESSSS…I am so hot and this bitch is suffocating me…HELP…HELPP…HELLPPP!!!!!” When I finally made it back to work, it felt like bliss to walk into my empty office, take off that stupid hoodie, and wipe the sweat off my forehead.

Unfortunately while I was in the bathroom dabbing away sweat, and debating whether it was worthwhile to fashion a belt mainly using #1 size paperclips, I looked in the mirror. T-shirt disaster numero dos. Somehow I didn’t notice how the cut of the sleeves of this particular t-shirt made my arms look like particularly undelightful. Throwing my arms out to the side, I was horrified, this was not good, not good at all, the t-shirt was obviously getting relegated to the “never wear again except in dire emergency” section of the closet, but my arms were another matter. After working out for months and suffering through two bouts of the flu, I was expecting more of my arms than this horribleness! What a betrayal! My arms are traitors…! I have walked way too many miles and climbed way too many steps and suffered through way too many free weight sessions for my arms to betray me like this! This t-shirt was causing too much strife in my well ordered world. But it wasn’t the biggest culprit in what was turning out to be a miserable day, my hips, and I should add me too, were still the biggest offenders, both my hips and I worked together to start this downward spiral with the once so promising t-shirt.

Let’s be real, I know I have hips. First I am a woman, so that is kinda part of the deal, but hips aren’t user friendly things. But it is sooo irritating when your t-shirt is riding up your back with every step you take, in a damn Target at lunch time. If my hips can’t even keep the stupid t-shirt in place, what good are they for?! To have kids?! Well I don’t have any of those, so that’s not a benefit so far!  Seriously that saying “a moment of the lips, a lifetime on the hips” my t-shirt situation was testament to the truth of that statement.  Why are hips hard?  In the first place we grow up not having them, then we reach puberty and we have them, and then we have to deal with them…the whole while there are t-shirts and jeans out there that are “boy cut”, and as the biggest joke on me ever, I LOVE THAT LOOK. I love the “boy cut” jeans and t-shirts, but apparently they don’t love me back, and I blame my hips for this lack of love! No matter how hard I try, the boyfriend jean and t-shirt look is not for me, and my hips are to blame for this inability to wear the style I want…and look good in it!

Hips are great for resting your hands on, hip checking half closed car doors because you are too lazy to unlock, open, and re-close it, and lowering your center of gravity. But they are terrible at helping keep traitorous t-shirts in constant contact with the waistband of your pants on hot days!

Someone really needs to write a book called, Hips: An Owner’s Manual! …Soon thereafter future New York Times Bestseller, T-Shirts: They’re Not For Everyone, needs to be written!


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